UPDATE??

You are dead to me.

Hope you and that beaver looking cunt get happily married and have children that are as closed minded and co-dependent as you are.

I'm glad you ka-blocked me. I was sick and tired of sucking up and trying to make up for mistakes. I was sorry, I showed sympathy and shame in every way I could. You were merciless and heartless; No better than I was. There's no justification in becoming the very thing you hated so much.

By the way, the whole situation was complete bullshit. It's almost half a year later, and she's still talking dumb shit?? We hardly talked, I could count the number of actual interactions we had. You and her can talk about it til your faces turn blue, but to bring it to my friend who's got no part in it?? And just being a spiteful turd?? Grow the fuck up. And you semi-defended her for that. Only shows how deep rooted your ignorance is. It's not about consequence for the things I did at all, who are you to say what I deserve?? It's just simple immaturity and dumbness, that all I asked for was for it to be stopped.

You guys can play your little highschool games, I'm glad I'm out now. Keep running your mouths and believing the world owes you something for a shitty 6 month relationship. It happens everyday. "Some people just don't fit"

And if that makes me a terrible monster of a person, so be it. It's your eyes that see me that way. Not everyone else's. Perhaps there's a reason for that. We'll probably never figure it out though.

I'm sorry you were hurt, I'm sorry if you are still hurting. I am not sorry to her, she can go choke on the shit that spews out of her face hole.
But YOU; I owe you the sun and the moon. Because I loved you.

Unfortunately, I can't GIVE you the sun or the moon. So I'll take these memories and what little bit I have to remember you by, and I'll disappear for you. It's the least I can do.

I was saving it as a last resort.. because it wasn't what I wanted. But I FINALLY give up completely and entirely. Like you wanted. You win now. It's all over. It's over forever, I'm done forever, this is the end of everything. We opened a book in September of 2009 when we met, and as of October 1st 2010, we wrote the last page we had to write. And we closed it.

Good luck in the Navy. Good luck in life.

Be strong. Be courageous. Be EVERYTHING you can.

Adios, love.

LOL @ life

So I "have a crush" on one guy, who currently wants nothing to do with me, because I'm in love with another guy who wants nothing to do with me.

And I'm content with that.

...because the way I feel about the guy I'm head over heels for is the most beautiful thing I've ever felt. (even considering the broken circumstance)
And the other guy... I'm perfectly happy with not dating him ever. Haha it's just fun to look at him and blush around him. Keeps the days interesting. But he's my friend first and foremost and I don't really want anything more to come of it :)

Halfasleep.

Is the person you have feelings for at least a bit cute?
-He's very cute.

Would you prefer a kiss on
the cheek or neck?
-Either.

Do you get drunk every weekend?
-Lately, pretty much.

Last
person you kissed calls you, what are they calling for?
-There's no reason for it right now. Maybe sleep dialing if anything.

Will you be in a relationship next month?
-Probably not.

Are
you sober?
-I am.

Have you ever kissed
someone you weren't dating?
-Yeah.

Do little things
and habits of other people annoy you to the point of rage?
-Rarely.

Do you enjoy taking risks, or do you
like stability?
-A pleasant mixture.

Whats your relationship with
the person you last texted?
-Friend.

If you could, would you
hook up with the last person you texted?
-I kind of have... ish.

Think to the last
person you kissed, have you ever kissed them in a car?
-Yes. I miss the Jeep.

How
did you meet the last person you kissed?
-A mixture of work and a mutual friend.

Who's
seen you at your worst?
-Mom, Bryan, and David.

Did you stand on your
tippy-toes for your last kiss?
-I don't think so.

Has the last person you
kissed ever took their shirt off in front of you?
-Many times.

Think
to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a bed?
-Yes.

Do
you get high every weekend?
-Nope.

Who's hoodie did you last
wear?
-Mine.

Have you ever been actually PHYSICALLY hurt by the
opposite sex?
-Yep.

A shot of whiskey, or a bottle of smirnoff?
-I'm feelin' the whiskey right now.

Have you ever said something just to see what
kind of reaction you'd get?
-Yep. I'm a cunt.

Describe the
last major change you made concerning your hairstyle?
-I cut it all off.

Would
you fall apart if that last person you kissed walked out of your life?
-No. But it would hurt a lot.

Could you go for the
rest of your life without drinking alcohol?
-I'd rather not.

Last person you kissed, have you cried in
front of them?
-Yes.

Last person you had a deep conversation
with?
-Probably Bryan.

Would it hurt seeing the person you last kissed
kissing someone else?
-Yeah.

Do you have a member of the opposite
sex you can tell everything to?
-More or less.

Do you think anyone has
feelings for you?
-Yeah. Woopty doo. Lol

You're insanely drunk stumbling
through the streets, slurring songs, who are you with?
-Linny? lol

Next time you will kiss someone?
-I have no idea. And I don't really care.

How
long have you been sober for?
-A day?

What are you listening
to right now?
-Nothing.

Do you wear makeup?
-Yeah.

Are
you happy right now?
-I'm content, yes.

Can you speak any other
language than English?
-Little bit of Finnish.

To whom did you last give the
finger?
-Frank.

Where did you last wear sunglasses?
-In David's car.

What animal did you last pet or hold?
-My dog.

Who
was the last person to make you really laugh?
-Bryan.

Is
anything bugging you right now?
-I'll be alright. Ha.

How do
you know the last person you were in a car with?
-She's my mom..

Name
something you want:
-A car. Oh, and a time machine.

How long do
you have until your birthday?
-Half a year. Give or take.

Have you ever shouted at
random people from inside a moving car?
-I have.

Do you like your
life right now?
-I like it. But I don't love it. I'm working on that.

Was it a boy or a girl to
text you last?
-Boy.

Name something you are doing tomorrow?
-Working.

Do you sleep on your stomach?
-Usually that or my side.

Did
you have any unread text messages this morning when you woke up?
-All tweets.

What
color shirt are you wearing?
-Gray.

If you won a lot of money
on the lottery, what would you buy first?
-A car and a house.

What was
the last thing you bought?
-A fig newton, I believe.

Who was the last person you
hugged?
-Linny? Or Chaz... I don't remember.

What was the last movie you watched?
-Quarantine.

Who was driving the last time you were in a car?
-Mom.

I Miss You Today

A little bit more than I do most other days. Today it hurts a lot... and if I didn't have any sense about me, I'd probably try to build a time machine.
Sometimes I wish I was still out of it, so the reality of what I did wasn't such a pain in the ass to swallow. Tried washing it down with booze, but the lump stays in my throat.
I've got friends to play with, I've got money for the things I want, I've got what I need to survive. But my heart still wants you, and I can't tell it "No" as easily as you can.
I caught myself the other night, having a conversation with someone in my head. Realized it was you; I was talking to you as if nothing had ever happened. As if everything had gone how it should have. As if I never pushed you too far, as if you never went away.
I wish I could do that. I wish the damage could disappear and that I could really start over. Just with you... I know if I had another chance, things would be so different. You wouldn't even recognize me. But I only know that now. And I promised it too many times before without being sure.
I was so stupid... so out of my mind. I'm so lost in here now. I keep having this dream where I'm just holding you, like a child. I tell you everything is going to be alright and you reach up towards my face with a smile. I always wake up there.
I wish you knew it would be alright. I wish you knew things could be how they were meant to be, even now. That I'm here, and that I'd do anything for you. Anything to see you smile and make you feel special. Anything to protect you.
Today all these things hurt. And I miss you today.

I love you.

Some stuff that makes me happy.

And pretty much anything else with Bretty-Brett :)



"See, they don't give a fuck about you, like I do."

Day 1.

Of "The Break". Yes I'm hoping for it to end in my favor, but that's only because I believe in myself.
I'm running on no false hope of mine. I'm right.
I am risking baring all... and weeks from now... a month from now... still not getting what I want.
Still not being able to prove that this is good.

The only risk I'm running is me doing exactly what I want, and the person I want to share myself with rejecting me for ME this time... But I'm still running.

Today is okay... I don't think I've cried. That I remember. I woke up feeling okay. Made a phone call. Took an hour long nap. Made food. Showered. And now i'm waiting to go to work...
Tomorrow I think I'll try to go to one of those doctors I was recommended to... and call that lady to get into the program I tried to get into like a month ago.

I already feel in control of myself again... but I still get those sinking feelings every time the slightest thought bothers me... but I no longer react on them. I don't allow them to come out and become REAL for me anymore.
And with that out of my way... I'm free. Now I go about things how I want to, and I can do that with clearer vision. But I'm still waiting for one more thing... a very special person to see all of this.
It will all be here, and it will remain here even if he never sees.

But I want exactly what he wants... for real this time.

Love Always,
Me

Number 6