I Miss You Today

A little bit more than I do most other days. Today it hurts a lot... and if I didn't have any sense about me, I'd probably try to build a time machine.
Sometimes I wish I was still out of it, so the reality of what I did wasn't such a pain in the ass to swallow. Tried washing it down with booze, but the lump stays in my throat.
I've got friends to play with, I've got money for the things I want, I've got what I need to survive. But my heart still wants you, and I can't tell it "No" as easily as you can.
I caught myself the other night, having a conversation with someone in my head. Realized it was you; I was talking to you as if nothing had ever happened. As if everything had gone how it should have. As if I never pushed you too far, as if you never went away.
I wish I could do that. I wish the damage could disappear and that I could really start over. Just with you... I know if I had another chance, things would be so different. You wouldn't even recognize me. But I only know that now. And I promised it too many times before without being sure.
I was so stupid... so out of my mind. I'm so lost in here now. I keep having this dream where I'm just holding you, like a child. I tell you everything is going to be alright and you reach up towards my face with a smile. I always wake up there.
I wish you knew it would be alright. I wish you knew things could be how they were meant to be, even now. That I'm here, and that I'd do anything for you. Anything to see you smile and make you feel special. Anything to protect you.
Today all these things hurt. And I miss you today.

I love you.