UPDATE??

You are dead to me.

Hope you and that beaver looking cunt get happily married and have children that are as closed minded and co-dependent as you are.

I'm glad you ka-blocked me. I was sick and tired of sucking up and trying to make up for mistakes. I was sorry, I showed sympathy and shame in every way I could. You were merciless and heartless; No better than I was. There's no justification in becoming the very thing you hated so much.

By the way, the whole situation was complete bullshit. It's almost half a year later, and she's still talking dumb shit?? We hardly talked, I could count the number of actual interactions we had. You and her can talk about it til your faces turn blue, but to bring it to my friend who's got no part in it?? And just being a spiteful turd?? Grow the fuck up. And you semi-defended her for that. Only shows how deep rooted your ignorance is. It's not about consequence for the things I did at all, who are you to say what I deserve?? It's just simple immaturity and dumbness, that all I asked for was for it to be stopped.

You guys can play your little highschool games, I'm glad I'm out now. Keep running your mouths and believing the world owes you something for a shitty 6 month relationship. It happens everyday. "Some people just don't fit"

And if that makes me a terrible monster of a person, so be it. It's your eyes that see me that way. Not everyone else's. Perhaps there's a reason for that. We'll probably never figure it out though.

I'm sorry you were hurt, I'm sorry if you are still hurting. I am not sorry to her, she can go choke on the shit that spews out of her face hole.
But YOU; I owe you the sun and the moon. Because I loved you.

Unfortunately, I can't GIVE you the sun or the moon. So I'll take these memories and what little bit I have to remember you by, and I'll disappear for you. It's the least I can do.

I was saving it as a last resort.. because it wasn't what I wanted. But I FINALLY give up completely and entirely. Like you wanted. You win now. It's all over. It's over forever, I'm done forever, this is the end of everything. We opened a book in September of 2009 when we met, and as of October 1st 2010, we wrote the last page we had to write. And we closed it.

Good luck in the Navy. Good luck in life.

Be strong. Be courageous. Be EVERYTHING you can.

Adios, love.

LOL @ life

So I "have a crush" on one guy, who currently wants nothing to do with me, because I'm in love with another guy who wants nothing to do with me.

And I'm content with that.

...because the way I feel about the guy I'm head over heels for is the most beautiful thing I've ever felt. (even considering the broken circumstance)
And the other guy... I'm perfectly happy with not dating him ever. Haha it's just fun to look at him and blush around him. Keeps the days interesting. But he's my friend first and foremost and I don't really want anything more to come of it :)

Halfasleep.

Is the person you have feelings for at least a bit cute?
-He's very cute.

Would you prefer a kiss on
the cheek or neck?
-Either.

Do you get drunk every weekend?
-Lately, pretty much.

Last
person you kissed calls you, what are they calling for?
-There's no reason for it right now. Maybe sleep dialing if anything.

Will you be in a relationship next month?
-Probably not.

Are
you sober?
-I am.

Have you ever kissed
someone you weren't dating?
-Yeah.

Do little things
and habits of other people annoy you to the point of rage?
-Rarely.

Do you enjoy taking risks, or do you
like stability?
-A pleasant mixture.

Whats your relationship with
the person you last texted?
-Friend.

If you could, would you
hook up with the last person you texted?
-I kind of have... ish.

Think to the last
person you kissed, have you ever kissed them in a car?
-Yes. I miss the Jeep.

How
did you meet the last person you kissed?
-A mixture of work and a mutual friend.

Who's
seen you at your worst?
-Mom, Bryan, and David.

Did you stand on your
tippy-toes for your last kiss?
-I don't think so.

Has the last person you
kissed ever took their shirt off in front of you?
-Many times.

Think
to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a bed?
-Yes.

Do
you get high every weekend?
-Nope.

Who's hoodie did you last
wear?
-Mine.

Have you ever been actually PHYSICALLY hurt by the
opposite sex?
-Yep.

A shot of whiskey, or a bottle of smirnoff?
-I'm feelin' the whiskey right now.

Have you ever said something just to see what
kind of reaction you'd get?
-Yep. I'm a cunt.

Describe the
last major change you made concerning your hairstyle?
-I cut it all off.

Would
you fall apart if that last person you kissed walked out of your life?
-No. But it would hurt a lot.

Could you go for the
rest of your life without drinking alcohol?
-I'd rather not.

Last person you kissed, have you cried in
front of them?
-Yes.

Last person you had a deep conversation
with?
-Probably Bryan.

Would it hurt seeing the person you last kissed
kissing someone else?
-Yeah.

Do you have a member of the opposite
sex you can tell everything to?
-More or less.

Do you think anyone has
feelings for you?
-Yeah. Woopty doo. Lol

You're insanely drunk stumbling
through the streets, slurring songs, who are you with?
-Linny? lol

Next time you will kiss someone?
-I have no idea. And I don't really care.

How
long have you been sober for?
-A day?

What are you listening
to right now?
-Nothing.

Do you wear makeup?
-Yeah.

Are
you happy right now?
-I'm content, yes.

Can you speak any other
language than English?
-Little bit of Finnish.

To whom did you last give the
finger?
-Frank.

Where did you last wear sunglasses?
-In David's car.

What animal did you last pet or hold?
-My dog.

Who
was the last person to make you really laugh?
-Bryan.

Is
anything bugging you right now?
-I'll be alright. Ha.

How do
you know the last person you were in a car with?
-She's my mom..

Name
something you want:
-A car. Oh, and a time machine.

How long do
you have until your birthday?
-Half a year. Give or take.

Have you ever shouted at
random people from inside a moving car?
-I have.

Do you like your
life right now?
-I like it. But I don't love it. I'm working on that.

Was it a boy or a girl to
text you last?
-Boy.

Name something you are doing tomorrow?
-Working.

Do you sleep on your stomach?
-Usually that or my side.

Did
you have any unread text messages this morning when you woke up?
-All tweets.

What
color shirt are you wearing?
-Gray.

If you won a lot of money
on the lottery, what would you buy first?
-A car and a house.

What was
the last thing you bought?
-A fig newton, I believe.

Who was the last person you
hugged?
-Linny? Or Chaz... I don't remember.

What was the last movie you watched?
-Quarantine.

Who was driving the last time you were in a car?
-Mom.

I Miss You Today

A little bit more than I do most other days. Today it hurts a lot... and if I didn't have any sense about me, I'd probably try to build a time machine.
Sometimes I wish I was still out of it, so the reality of what I did wasn't such a pain in the ass to swallow. Tried washing it down with booze, but the lump stays in my throat.
I've got friends to play with, I've got money for the things I want, I've got what I need to survive. But my heart still wants you, and I can't tell it "No" as easily as you can.
I caught myself the other night, having a conversation with someone in my head. Realized it was you; I was talking to you as if nothing had ever happened. As if everything had gone how it should have. As if I never pushed you too far, as if you never went away.
I wish I could do that. I wish the damage could disappear and that I could really start over. Just with you... I know if I had another chance, things would be so different. You wouldn't even recognize me. But I only know that now. And I promised it too many times before without being sure.
I was so stupid... so out of my mind. I'm so lost in here now. I keep having this dream where I'm just holding you, like a child. I tell you everything is going to be alright and you reach up towards my face with a smile. I always wake up there.
I wish you knew it would be alright. I wish you knew things could be how they were meant to be, even now. That I'm here, and that I'd do anything for you. Anything to see you smile and make you feel special. Anything to protect you.
Today all these things hurt. And I miss you today.

I love you.

Some stuff that makes me happy.

And pretty much anything else with Bretty-Brett :)



"See, they don't give a fuck about you, like I do."

Day 1.

Of "The Break". Yes I'm hoping for it to end in my favor, but that's only because I believe in myself.
I'm running on no false hope of mine. I'm right.
I am risking baring all... and weeks from now... a month from now... still not getting what I want.
Still not being able to prove that this is good.

The only risk I'm running is me doing exactly what I want, and the person I want to share myself with rejecting me for ME this time... But I'm still running.

Today is okay... I don't think I've cried. That I remember. I woke up feeling okay. Made a phone call. Took an hour long nap. Made food. Showered. And now i'm waiting to go to work...
Tomorrow I think I'll try to go to one of those doctors I was recommended to... and call that lady to get into the program I tried to get into like a month ago.

I already feel in control of myself again... but I still get those sinking feelings every time the slightest thought bothers me... but I no longer react on them. I don't allow them to come out and become REAL for me anymore.
And with that out of my way... I'm free. Now I go about things how I want to, and I can do that with clearer vision. But I'm still waiting for one more thing... a very special person to see all of this.
It will all be here, and it will remain here even if he never sees.

But I want exactly what he wants... for real this time.

Love Always,
Me

Number 6

Number 5

((I do too many surveys...))

Who was the last person or object you shared beds with?
-Bryan and my dog.

What's your relationship with the person you last talked to?
-He's my boyfrand!! :]

Where was your default picture was taken?
-Well... the one for my blog was taken at my dad's.

Do you consider yourself a neat freak?
-Nooo. Ha.

Did you get enough sleep last night?
-I did.

Do you have anyones clothes?
-Yesh.

Do you have a fish tank?
-Nope.

Last place you took a plane to?
-Nowhere.

Would you tell a stranger if they had spinach in their teeth?
-Umm... sure why not?

If you found out you couldn't have kids, would you adopt?
-Possibly. If I ended up in a place in my life where I REALLY wanted a kid.

Have you ever lied about your age?
-Yes.

Last time you went out of town?
-Hmm... HIM concert in Baltimore. Last month, I think it was?

Whose car were you in last?
-Brybabe's.

Who do you most look like in your family?
-Dad.

Have you kissed someone with braces?
-Once.

Do you have a hard time admitting you're wrong?
-Not usually.

Do you like to travel by plane?
-I never have. I think the idea scares me... but I think once I did it, I wouldn't mind it.

Have you ever made out in a bathroom?
-Yeah.

Has anyone ever hung up on you?
-Yeah.

Looking forward to something this weekend?
-The weekend is pretty much over.

Do you have any bruises?
-Yeah.

Do you find piercings attractive?
-If the person is attractive, then in most cases, yeah.

Who was the last person you sat next to?
-Bryan.

What is the worst subject they teach at school?
-...Meh. Math? lol

If you had 100 dollars to spend on clothes, where would you go to shop?
-The mall?

Do long distance relationships work?
-For some people.

Where were you raised?
-Here.

When was the last time you talked to your number 1?
-Like 10 minutes ago.

What is on your bed right now?
-Blankets... pillows... dog...

Do you name your stuffed animals?
-No.

What's the last sporting event you watched?
-Little bit of a hockey game.

Do you think you are an argumentative person?
-I can be.

Would you rather have a poodle or a rottweiler?
-Rottie.

What jewelry do you wear all the time?
-Lip ring.

Have you ever had a difficult relationship?
-Yes.

Ever driven into the ghetto to buy drugs?
-Ugh. Yes... but for the record, the drugs were not for me. And I kind of got tricked into going. Both times.

Are your ears gauged?
-Nope.

How did you feel when you woke up today?
-Fine.

Where did you buy the shirt you're wearing now?
-Fashion Bug...

Ever kissed someone who smokes?
-Yes.

What do you usually do first in the morning?
-Pee... check my phone... internet.

What are you doing tonight?
-Nothing.

Number 4

For your last kiss, were your eyes closed and did you have to be on your tip toes?
-Yes my eyes were closed, and no I do not believe I was on my tip toes.

How often do you honestly say "I wanna die"?
-Lol... I don't keep tabs.

Are you afraid of losing the last person you talked to?
-Naww.

Do you like cold and rainy days, or warm and sunny?
-I enjoy both.

Are you nervous about anything?
-Slightly.

What is your current annoyance?
-I ate way too much and I regret it.

Do you drink bottled water?
-Yes.

Is your bed against more than one of your walls?
-Yes.

Do you miss the way things used to be?
-No. They're better now. <3 And will continue to get better.

What do you usually do when the clock turns 11:11?
-Not a damn thing.

Is there someone you don't ever want to be out of your life?
-Of course.

Have you ever thrown up while intoxicated?
-Indeed I have.

Whats one thing you can't stand?
-Eating too much :(

Do you think a lot of people think bad things about you?
-Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.

Would you date a 13 year old at the age you are now?
-Holy fuck balls, NO!

How often do you drink energy drinks?
-Pretty much never.

Ever ditched out on plans to do something better with someone else?
-I wouldn't put it like that... but yeah. Ha.

How many people know your deepest, darkest secret?
-I'm not even sure what it is.

You're trapped in a room for 3 days with the person you fell the hardest for?
-K! :)

You open the door and it's Lil Wayne you:
-Wonder why the hell he's at my house.

Is your hair long enough to put in a ponytail?
-Nooo.

Anything bothering you right now?
-Mehhhhhh not really.

How many people can you say you truly loved?
-Bleh... I don't fucking know. I don't think about that shit.

Let's be honest, the last person you texted is..
-Myyyyy boyfriend <3

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
-Yeah.

Did you get a full 8 hours of sleep last night?
-Nope.

Where is the shirt you are wearing from?
-Fashion Bug?? Lol

What happened at 3:00 am today?
-Sleep happened. And cuddles :)

Do you tend to get in fights?
-Verbal... I've been prone to lately. :( But things are gonna be different now. I'm not letting bullshit "worries and paranoia" get the best of ME. Fuck that.

What do you hear?
-Nothing.

Are you ticklish?
-Dear sweet jesus, yes.

Are you satisfied with your life right now?
-Yah.

Do you know anyone who has gotten an abortion?
-Yep.

Do you have any terrifying fears?
-Well any fear is terrifying... or at least qualifies to be... seeing as it is a 'fear'. Uh durr?

Who did you like in '09? Initials only.
-B.R.M.

Do you think it’s a bunch of bull shit when people say “I have no regrets"?
-Well up until recently, I pretty much didn't. So it's entirely possible.

There's a serial killer inside your house. What do you do?
-Ugh. Die of a panic attack. xD

Ever cried in front of your number one?
-Yes.

How many months until your birthday? Days?
-Like... 9 months? Something like that. I don't ACTUALLY feel like doing the math.

Have you ever slapped a boy in the face?
-Playfully.

Chicken or steak?
-Chicken.

Are you thinking of someone right now?
-Always.

How was last night?
-Great, overall.

If you look straight ahead past your computer screen, what do see?
-A wall.

Who was the last person to make you cry?
-Myself?

Where did you sleep last night?
-My room.

The person you like texts you at 4am saying "come outside" what do you do?
-Go the fuck outside. Duh.

Are you grumpy or happy?
-Right now, I'm too exhausted to give a shit.

Do you wish someone was with you right now?
-Yessss.

Are you okay right now?
-I am.

Do you keep things in your bra?
-Nah.

What's wrong with you right now?
-Nothing.

Do you like your cell phone? Or do you wish you had a new one?
-I like it.

Do you know your number one best friend's middle name?
-Yep.

Would you ever snap your cell phone in half, if you could get a better one?
-No sense in that.

Do you like beer or hard liquor?
-Liquor.

How do you take your coffee?
-I don't.

If someone went through your pictures, would they find a "bad" one?
-Haaa... on my phone, not so bad. Computer... oh man...

Would you ever make out with your #1?
-Noo.

Can you tie a cherry in a knot with your tongue?
-Never tried. Doubt it. I have a small tongue.

Do you wish someone would show up at your front door right now?
-Would be nice. But then again, I am butt fucking tired.

Is heartbreak really as bad as it sounds?
-Depends on the person. For me; at the time it's happening, yeah.

Reason for the last tear shed?
-Frustration.

When?
-Last night.

Have you ever dated someone longer than a year?
-Yep.

Facial hair on guys: yes or no?
-Yeahhh. But no wolf-men...

Do you take off your makeup before bedtime?
-Most of the time.

Does Mcdonalds make you sick?
-Usually leaves me wishing I hadn't eaten it... yeah.

Where is your biological mother right now?
-Asleep in the next room.

If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you?
-Fuck. Yes.

When was the last time you felt like throwing up?
-Nowwwww.

If someone called you a bitch would you be offended?
-Depends on who it was, and whether they were being serious or not.

Ever done your make-up in class?
-Not that I recall.

Do you toss & turn for hours at night or fall right to sleep?
-Rarely.

Do you have a bedtime?
-No.

Are your toenails painted?
-Nope.

Are you wearing clothes?
-Yes.

Number 2

Okay, now I'm kind of in the mood for some REAL venting.
Not that anyone will be seeing this, except for one... maybe two people.
The situation I'm in is quite fucking suck ass. And I must say, I wish I could say I'm doing all that I can, but I don't feel that I am.

I feel a change in the winds, so to speak... like I can feel something coming. But so much is going on right now, it's hard to tell where the blow is going to come from, and if it's gonna be good or bad.
Bah... spent all day researching shit and reading and watching videos.
Some Military shit, some psychiatric shit, a video on "winning back your ex"... Which... haha was one of the saddest things I've ever sat and done for 10 minutes. Plus, the guy was... strange. Like I appreciate a person who tries to help people like that, but his conduct was odd. Lol

Now... I'm on leave from work. It's given me a lot of time to think. Almost a week of nonstop thinking... SELF therapy if you will, since I can't seem to find a real fucking therapist. And everyone I try to talk to turns it into something about them, or ends up saying something that pisses me off. But yes, self therapy is what I'm dubbing this time I've spent locked in my room, away from everything. And it's going to continue.

I know it's only been a week or so, but to me, it feels like months.
My appetite is damn near gone, my anxiety is almost crippling, but HEY! I'm starting to realize some important things. I'm starting to get it together, slowly in my head. The physical part will get better when the mental part does, is all I can hope for. I'm pretty alone in this scenario I've created for myself. But I did that.
It's... really hard. This past month has been like hell. And knowing full well that I created my own personal hell is a fucking gut wrenching feeling. At this point, I'm helpless to what I've done. I'm helpless to the solutions I'm seeking and trying for. But I'm trying nonetheless, I have no idea if I'm doing it right or if I'm any closer to anything at all...

What I want is a shot at redemption. For the first time ever, I regret something. I regret something BIG to me. And not just because I'm being a sappy, broken up with emo... But because my heart was in the right place, and there's still so much fucking potential. I can see it, I just need the chance. I have NO clue if I'll get it... I may already BE getting all I'm gonna get... I have no idea. I'm running in the dark here.

He said something today that really got to me... that really showed how much doubt there is there. "It's because I was the best boyfriend you've had."
VERY true, he is. (You are, if you're reading this.) But that isn't what this is about.
This is about you were that, because of who you are. You were that because I love you.
Yeah, you treated me well, you were kind and caring, you were the epitome of a dream for me. But not because of what you gave me, not because of something someone else could give me. It was YOU. Your smile, your laugh, your arms, your heart, your wit, your interests, your flaws, even. Your PAST even.

It's not... how you carried out the relationship aspect of being with me... it's YOU.
I could be treated just as well by another, I know. But there is not another you out there.
There's just not, plain and simple. Similar, in looks, morals, whatever. But not another YOU.

I see him... and I see myself... and I can just see this TEAM. This fucking unstoppable force that just needs to be allowed to grow. I see that in myself, and I see it in him, and I see it like a puzzle.
It's just not put together yet!! I lost some pieces on my half, it fucked it all up.

There's still something worth giving a shot, and there's no doubt in my mind about that. I don't NEED this. But I'm going to fight for it. It's what I want, it's what I wanted from the get-go. It's what I fucked up.. and heaven fucking knows, if I get another shot, it'll never go back to this. If I GET my chance, it's different. It's different already, but not put together.
And it needs more time to heal... but I see so much potential. More in myself everyday. More to share with a beautiful person I found and love.

I'm getting my learner's permit soon.

Sincerely,
Brandi

Number 1

I'll start with a Survey... because I currently have no urge to REALLY get into "blogging" at this point in time. But a start is a start...

Could you handle living with the last guy you texted?
-NO.

Missing anybody?
-"Like hell."

Describe your handwriting.
-It changes all the time. Based on my mood... if I'm in a rush... if it's just a note to myself, it'll most likely be chicken scratch. If it's a poem or something, it'll be more legible.

Has anyone ever told you that you look older than you really are?
-Recently, since I got my hair cut, yeah.

Do you like your hair?
-It needs a trim... but yeah, I like it.

Is the person you last texted single?
-Yep.

Would you date the last person that texted you?
-Nope.

Do you plan on sleeping in tomorrow?
-Probably... I'm not sure. Right now my stomach and head feel like death, I can't even imagine sleeping right now.

Are you the youngest in your house?
-I am.

Is there a night you would like to put on repeat, and live it forever?
-YES.

Where do you wish you were right now?
-About 6 months in the past. That'd be great. Thanks.

What is the longest you have ever talked on the phone?
-Lol the whole time I was dating Collin was like one giant, year and a half long phone conversation. With breaks for sleeping and work. Ridiculous. xD

Does your bedroom have a door?
-Yeah.

Is there anyone you wouldn't mind punching in the face now?
-There are one or two people, off the top of my head, that I would pummel to the ground if I had the opportunity and there would be no repercussions.

How many people can you trust with just about everything?
-...Two?

Your last incoming call was from the opposite sex?
-Yeah.

Do you wear bracelets?
-Rarely.

Has 2010 been the best year of your life so far?
-My birthday this year was way up there on my list of favorite memories... the rest of this year... I kind of fucked up.

I'm an Aries, what are you?
-Capricorn... And who the fuck are you? This is a questionnaire, not a goddamn conversation. Fuck of with your dumb.

Oh! What's your name?
-Brandi Nicole Deeds.

Do you make fun of people?
-In my head more so than aloud... yeah.

Have you ever thrown a cell phone in anger?
-Yep.

Is there someone who you can spend every minute with and be happy?
-Currently, no. I'd love it to be that way, but I fucked that up for myself.

Are you wearing a necklace, who got it for you?
-No.

Is there anyone you wish you still had a chance with?
-...You're god damn right. Lol I've been living for 20 years, and I have ONE regret. I could just let it go, and I would, if I believed it would make me happier. But I fucked up something that made me happy. But I lost sight of WHY it made me happy, and ended up losing me. I got this massive taste of amazing, and lost my head. To me, it's entirely worth trying to get back. It's ENTIRELY worth every tear and stomach ache trying to prove to myself (as well as someone else) that what did happen doesn't define me. And what did happen doesn't mean the end of the road. It could be lessons learned to make something great... but it needs time. You can't prove that in a week after screwing it up for half a year. But it's the price I have to pay, and it's not unfair in my opinion. I'm lucky that person hasn't written me off completely. VERY lucky.

If you had to choose between a million dollars or be able to change a regret?
-I have the rest of my life to make money... and I have one life, and one regret. I'd change the regret.

What are you feeling right now?
-Nauseous.

Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?
-I'm not sure... the beginning of last year is a blur.

Have you ever been called 'emo' 'scene' or 'goth'?
-Lol I got called emo last night.

Where is the person who has/had your heart at the moment?
-I have it. So it's here with me. Keeping my blood pumping.

Are you keeping a secret right now?
-Nope.

Do you think you will be in a relationship three months from now?
-Honestly? I have no fucking clue. I'd love to hope, but it's out of my hands at the moment.

You ever fallen asleep on someone's shoulder?
-Buhhhhh. Yes.

Who was the last person you told to shut up?
-I recall a "No, YOU shut up" on the phone earlier. Won't say the name.

Are you tired?
-As in sleepy, no.